


by my side when i fall asleep

by bigmcworm



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Anyway they're in love and take care of each other, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, brief mention of Andrew's scars, brief mention of Neil's scars, brief mention of andrew's nightmares but nothing explicit, rated M for suggestive language but no actual sexy times in this i promise, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 22:47:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20433716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigmcworm/pseuds/bigmcworm
Summary: Andrew wants to try something new, but hits a roadblock.  Neil takes care of him and they're in love I dont make the rules.





	by my side when i fall asleep

Andrew wakes up to the sound of his heart pounding, with the feeling that his body is not his. Sitting up in bed, he takes in his surroundings.

He’s in his room in Fox Tower, which he shares with Kevin and Neil. Light is pouring through the window, cracked open a bit from his late-night cigarette, and now letting in too much cold air for his liking. He shivers, feeling the sheen of sweat on his skin.

His skin is bare, he notices. He had slept in just his boxer briefs last night. Kevin had stayed in Matt, Aaron, and Nicky’s dorm, so he and Neil had been alone. Andrew had wanted to try sleeping like this in the same bed, and he remembers falling asleep with Neil’s warm body pressed against him.

Neil.

Andrew jerks out of the bed to put a hoodie on, feeling far too exposed in the morning light, and goes to find his partner.

Neil is in the kitchen texting while water is boiling on the stove. The hot-chocolate mix is on the counter next to a bag of mini marshmallows, and Andrew feels known. Neil looks up and smiles.

“It’ll be ready in just a minute,” he says.

Andrew nods and moves to sit on one of the barstools at the counter. After a few more seconds of squirming under Neil’s careful scrutiny, he looks up and meets Neil’s eyes. Recognizing that Andrew is not going to speak, Neil says, “I texted Betsy. She has an appointment open this afternoon if you want it.” 

The hot chocolate, texting Betsy, the entire kitchen counter’s length of space between them - he’s being read like an open book with seventy-two-point bolded font. Andrew nods again, looking down at the counter as if it had just become particularly interesting. His absent gaze lasts until a mug full of steaming hot chocolate topped with a generous pile of marshmallows is set down in front of him. As he sips at it, he remembers the previous night.

After sending Kevin on his way, Andrew had led Neil to the bedroom and locked the door.

“I want to try something.” He had said.

“Anything.” Neil had replied, a little breathless, looking at Andrew with warmth that blue eyes shouldn’t be able to possess.

“I want to sleep together.” Andrew said. “Just sleep.” He added. Seeing Neil’s confused look - they’d been sharing a bed for a long time now - he finally spit out. “But no clothes.”

Andrew couldn’t meet Neil’s eyes. He felt silly. He felt hot. He felt like a dumb kid, and childhood uncertainty held far too much significance for him. This shouldn’t be something he needs to tip toe around, he thought. Other men were able to fall into bed with their lover without all of this preamble. Who was he to think that he could have this? Who was he to make Neil wait for his mind and body to accept what his heart so desperately wanted? Who was he to think that he deserved the right to want? 

Andrew reminded himself of his recent session with Bee, where he had brought up this milestone currently being attempted.

“You’re an adult now, Andrew.” She had said. “You have complete control over the situation. You trust Neil, and he trusts you. What you are doing is safe and healthy. It’s okay to want to pursue intimacy together, sexual or otherwise.”

Taking deep breaths, Andrew brought his mind back to the bedroom he and Neil were standing in, back to his partner waiting for him to meet his gaze. As if hearing Andrew’s spiraling thoughts, Neil hovered his hand near Andrew’s cheek. When Andrew nodded, giving Neil his silent permission, he placed his warm palm against his cheek and said softly, “Of course.”  
Andrew felt his heart stutter. Neil was looking at him as if he saw all of his reservations regarding this act, and his soft smile said _I know you. I want you. You can have this._

Reaching for the hem of Neil’s shirt, Andrew raised an eyebrow to ask permission. Neil’s face still held a shy smile, blush creeping across his cheeks. “Yes,” Neil whispered. That was all the approval Andrew needed. He undressed his partner, not lingering anywhere for too long. His hands shook a little, unsure of his own ability to be gentle, but taking pride in the fact that he was being just that. Neil didn’t question Andrew leaving Neil’s underwear on, and Andrew thanked whatever being watched over him that he wouldn’t have to explain his limits. Neil knew them and followed them without question.

When Neil moved to step out of Andrew’s space, Andrew reached for his hands to stop him. Smoothing his thumbs over the scars etched across the back of Neil’s hands just once, he guided his fingertips toward the hem of his own shirt.

“Are you sure?” Neil asked.

He wanted to say that he wouldn’t initiate anything he wasn’t sure about, but he didn’t want to waste time in getting his skin against Neil’s. Resolutely, Andrew answered. “Yes.” 

Neil removed Andrew’s shirt efficiently, careful to touch nothing but the fabric, leaving his armbands on. His blue eyes never left Andrew’s, never ventured to the newly exposed skin, and as much as Andrew appreciated the courtesy, he wanted so badly for Neil to like what he saw. Andrew guided Neil’s warm hands to the button of his jeans, tangled one hand in Neil’s hair, and leaning their foreheads together said, “It’s still yes.” 

Andrew shivered at the feeling of his pants being undone. This feeling had never had any positive associations with it. He had never allowed Neil to undress him before this moment regardless of the far more intimate acts they had done together. But Neil was careful not to touch his skin, and once the button and zipper of Andrew’s jeans were undone Neil gave him a questioning look.  
“You can keep going,” Andrew said, forcing himself to meet Neil’s eyes – _wanting_ to meet Neil’s eyes. Bravely, Neil placed a gentle kiss on the tip of Andrew’s nose - which Andrew was _not_ prepared for - before pulling his jeans down the rest of the way.

Feeling the chill of the dorm air conditioning on his legs, Andrew was torn. As much as he wanted to be close to Neil, this was different than their usual dynamic, and that put Andrew on edge. He hated to admit that Neil felt safe to him, that he trusted Neil with his body. Part of him wanted to pull back from Neil, to be alone with his body and to put on at least six pairs of pants, to feel in control. Another part of him wanted to lean into Neil, to feel his warmth while also preventing Neil from looking at him.

Instead, he did neither. After a few moments of internal debating he decided he wanted Neil to look at him. He was okay with it, more than just okay. He wanted Neil to see him bare, to like what he saw, and refuse to act without Andrew’s permission. He wanted reassurance of both Neil’s desire and respect.

Taking a small step back he said, “You can look.”

Without looking away from Andrew’s face, Neil said, “You don’t have to do this.”

Andrew huffed, “I know, stupid. I want to.”

Neil gave a quick nod and let his gaze wander. Despite his blush and more obvious signs of arousal, Neil did nothing but look. Andrew felt uneasy, looking back at Neil, when he could feel the blood rush to his groin. _This shouldn’t feel good_, he thought, _I shouldn’t be doing this._

_No_, he told himself, _I am allowed to feel good. I am allowed to want Neil to see me this way._

And since it was a night for taking leaps, he said, “Kiss me.”

Neil took the step forward, but it was Andrew who guided Neil’s hands into his hair as Neil leaned in and kissed him. It was a soft kiss, not like the desperate, secret ones they used to share, but better. 

Andrew felt slow and heavy, drunk with Neil’s warm body shielding the front of him. He kissed a little harder, and Neil kissed harder back, and soon he had his arms wrapped around Neil’s tiny waist, holding him tight. 

Eventually they migrated to the bed, with no intention of going further than kissing. There were other hurdles to jump tonight. Neil let Andrew get in the bed first, knowing he would want his back to the wall, and Andrew felt his heart glow a little – _fuck, who even am I._

Neil looked uncertain of where to put himself, so Andrew took one of his stupid, scarred, soft hands and guided him gently down to the bed.

Neil sighed, “Do you know how pretty you are?”

“I’ll kill you.”

“I don’t think you will.” Neil smiled. No hint of Nathan or Nathaniel – no – this was a pure Neil Josten smile. Andrew had been grateful for Neil’s gentle silence up until this point, but he knew that as they got closer to what they set out to achieve tonight Neil was trying to settle him. He hated that Neil knew to talk, and that he wasn’t looking at him with pity, wasn’t walking on eggshells. Being known gave him such relief, and he was trying to unlearn his hatred of it.

He didn’t thank Neil for his silent understanding or for the stupid way he looked in that moment, hair fanned out on the pillow, hand still holding Andrew’s. Instead he said, “You can take off my armbands.” 

Neil didn’t ask if he was sure this time, hearing the certainty in Andrew’s voice.

“Aw, babe, I thought you were gonna kill me.” Neil said as he slid the first one off.

“Maybe tomorrow.” Andrew replied, eyes focusing intensely on both scarred forearms being uncovered. 

Neil’s eyes didn’t linger on Andrew’s scars, not that he had time as Andrew situated them with one arm under the pillow and the other pulling Neil closer by his waist. He rested one hand against Andrew’s chest and the other tangled in his hair, while Andrew slotted one thigh between Neil’s and tucked his face into Neil’s neck.

“Better not say shit, Neil.” Andrew mumbled.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Neil replied, and Andrew could hear the smile in his voice.

They fell asleep wrapped up in each other.

But when Andrew had woken up, it had been in the throes of a nightmare. The same as always: bare and afraid and hurting. The sharp contrast to the soft glow of the night before stung him. He hated that he had ruined it. He hated, he hated, he _hated_.

And then he heard Neil, gently calling his name, “Andrew, look at me.” He says.

Andrew raises his eyes from his hot chocolate and meets Neil’s, but he aches at the fear and concern he sees there and has to look away again.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers into his marshmallow pile.

“Don’t you dare apologize for this.” There is nothing harsh in Neil’s tone.

“I ruined it,” he allows himself a moment of vulnerability, only permitted after years of trust, “I wanted it so badly, Neil.” Andrew’s tone is deadly serious, lined with sorrow, as he continues to speak into his hot chocolate.

“You didn’t ruin anything.” Neil places a hand on the counter between them in case Andrew decides to take it, which he does. “Of course your nightmares would come back after something new. It’s not your fault. But if you can, I think you should talk to Betsy about it. I know that she helps you.”

There it is again. The _knowing._

Andrew takes a big gulp of his drink.

“I’ll go to the appointment.” He doesn’t thank Neil for making it, but Andrew knows Neil will understand his gratitude despite his flat tone. “For now, can we go back to bed? It’s ass o’ clock.”  
Neil gives a small smile. “Do you want to stay dressed this time?”

“This time.” Andrew replies, and he knows Neil will take it as the promise it is.

And a few weeks later, when they try again, Andrew wakes finding himself still wrapped up in Neil, feeling like his body is his. He presses a gentle kiss to Neil’s cheek, and goes back to his nightmare-free sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This is my first fic so please be nice to me


End file.
